By Samuel Krueger

History department launches groundbreaking STEM curriculum
One of Bethel’s core beliefs is that students graduate into society as ‘world changers’. This sentiment is shown through our world class faculty and facilities, but it is now become apparent through Bethel’s groundbreaking history STEM lab. With an intense passion to bring science, technology, engineering and math to the humanities, a generous donor provided specifically allocated funds for the project. It will include an alchemy lab, bloodletting studio, and a workshop devoted to time traveling technology.

Bethel reveals new sax-a-boom line
Part of Bethel’s new long term strategy, hereafter referred to as LTS, the music department has invested in a number of Kawasaki Sax-a-booms. Popular in the 90’s, this now rare device has become the favored instrument of the highly competitive pep band scene. In an attempt to corner the newly emerging alternative music segment of competitive bands, Bethel is bringin on renowned musician Peter Carr to push Bethel to the forefront of the genre. Bethel’s enrollment strategist Eric Criss estimates that this program could bring in anywhere from 50 to 100 new students and transfers.

Bethel’s Chief Budgetary Officer replaced by chimpanzee with an abacus
Recent revelations surrounding Bethel’s precarious financial situation led the administration to replace CBO Paul Simmons with a fellow member of the Hominidae family. Great Ape, Bonzo, armed only with an abacus was hired in an attempt to straighten out the books. Only time will tell if what Faculty President, Christopher Gehrz, called “a bold move”, will pay off.

Abandoned coffee cup begins week three in Brushaber Commons
After an unprecedented two-week residency in the BC, a certain abandoned coffee cup may continue to stretch the record for the number of days a piece of trash has remained in the BC before being cleaned up. “It’s truly incredible”, said senior environmental science major, Gene Stanley, “I feel like I’m watching history in the making.” When asked, fac-man declined to comment.

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