A definitive ranking of the best and worst bathrooms at Bethel University.
By Sally Hazen and Hannah Smason
As weathered Bethel defecators, our behinds have touched many a throne. We know which bathrooms are first-rate and which are flops. No shade to Fac-Man, though. We know y’all are trying your best.
Sally: If you are looking to have a low-stress poop and you have no time constraints, Benson is the way to go. I have routinely gone out of my way to go to Benson specifically to empty my bowels. I’ve even walking from freshman hill late at night just to enjoy a good ol’ Benson poop.
Hannah: This bathroom is big, always clean and almost always totally empty. Pooping in the stalls at the back is a dream. I’ve put on my winter coat and walked out in the snow to get there before. The Wi-Fi is big poopy though.
2) Near campus store
Sally: This is one of my favorite places to poop if I’m on the go. More accessible than Benson, it’s a great place to stop, drop and go. However, your odds of running into someone you know is pretty high, especially if there’s an event or if it’s textbook season.
Hannah: If there is something going on near the egg or a lot of people are studying at Royal Grounds, this one can get pretty busy. But most of the time, I would say it’s a good choice. However, if you are coming from class, you may have to hold it for a second and walk past plenty of other bathrooms to make the trek.
3) Third floor RC
Sally: I’m gonna be honest; I don’t really like this bathroom. Yes, it made it into the top three, but that’s purely because it ranks high on most of our criteria. I will avoid this bathroom at all costs. Firstly, the gaps between the doors of the stalls are too big, which makes me feel like a caged animal being watched while dropping a doodie. However, most of my disdain for this bathroom is because the toilets flush way too fast. Listen, I know this sounds like a first world problem, but the automatic flushers are lightning quick and make pooping in these bathrooms a less-than-enjoyable experience.
Hannah: I know that this bathroom terrifies Sally. I have seen her flinch at the very mention of this one, but the flushing helps the moment be a real “defecate and disintegrate” type of thing. Also, there are lots of stalls and it has an air-dryer. I do have to say I hate the way the door opens from the inside. It’s awkward and far too heavy.
1) Between Benson and the bio/chem departments
Sally: This is for sure my least favorite bathroom in the buildings. It’s dark and scary. The stalls are narrow, the toilets are short and the walkway from the stalls to the sinks is so small that I salute anyone who tries to walk through with a backpack. This received a low rating on cleanliness only because it’s so old that I don’t think it could ever be truly clean. This bathroom is void of hope and peace.
Hannah: I can tell you horror stories of this bathroom. The yellow lighting gives the illusion of urine everywhere. This isn’t helped by the fact that it clearly hasn’t been updated in a while. The flushing is also extremely unreliable. Take it from someone who had to live through it; do not poop here.
2) Between bio/chem departments and the blackbox
Sally: These bathrooms are decent but lose points because they’re really the only usable bathrooms on the first floor, which makes them generally high traffic and leads to points docked on cleanliness. In an extreme emergency, the biggest stall can be used, but if you have even a minute to spare, the walk to Benson is 100 percent worth the trek.
Hannah: If you use these bathrooms late enough at night you can sometimes have an uninterrupted poop, but during the day, especially after chapel, there will be lines. You will be ashamed of yourself if you try and poop here, and you will almost always be caught in the act. This makes it awkward for all involved, especially if you make eye contact with the person going in after you. Because, sometimes, sorry isn’t enough.
3) Next to the DC
Sally: In an ideal world, this bathroom would be a great option to lay a loaf, but it’s so widely used that, at any given time, you are likely to be joined by at least one other person. It’s great for a quick pee, but pooping equals commitment, and this bathroom just isn’t ready for that.
Hannah: It’s a classic. Of course you want to use this bathroom. For a quick pee, it does the job. But only the bravest of souls (or the most barbaric) would poop here. Lots of people will come in and use it after you. Do you really want that kind of burden on your conscience?