All of the information necessary for those wishing to take home the trophy.

By Sarah Bakeman | Managing Editor

Before I begin explaining the strategies to winning each homecoming event, two disclaimers: N0. 1: If you live in Lissner Hall, feel free to read, but know that your chances of winning are slim. No. 2: I lived in Getsch last year, and we did not win homecoming, so I pretty much have no right to be saying any of this. 

Monday: Cheer night

Imagine this first event of homecoming: Students from every residence hall gathered in the Robertson Center gym, performing songs and dance routines while in the company of their lifelong college friends. Pop music. Matching $15 hall shirts. Laughter. If that sounds like fun to you, I’m afraid you’ve missed the fundamental, quintessential, most basic point of cheer night.

Your cheer captains should brush up on their Machiavelli and prepare to be feared, not loved. 

If you want to win, rehearsals should feel like you’ve enrolled in Abby Lee Miller’s dance academy. You should have the stoicism and focus of a Marine on their first day of boot camp. You should be unprepared for your major-related, four-credit classes because you were tossing and turning at night, running through the lyrics and choreography in your head.

Don’t go wasting your flex dollars. Jazz hands. Swipe at the DC instead. Twirl.

Tuesday: Dodgeball

Dodgeball is, in my opinion, the strongest evidence mankind has for supernatural transformations. If you get a certain sect of the population into a gym where red rubber balls are lined up along the center of the court, you might as well be putting a werewolf in front of a full moon. 

These people will regress to their middle school selves in an instant. They’ll become the kid who wore neon yellow Nike Elite socks everyday. The kid who couldn’t go under a door frame without jumping up to hit it. The kid who was willing to go to math class drenched in sweat for the sake of getting the highest score on the FitnessGram PACER test.

Believe it or not, this kid is your only hope. Find the people who were the most unbearable in middle school and craft an unbeatable team with them. 

Wednesday: Men’s dance and tug of war

I can’t quite explain it, but something about men’s dance makes me patriotic. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s the action of sitting in a crowded, hot gym, staring down at a basketball court where some young adult men struggle to remember their own choreography to a Katy Perry song. It strikes that “God Bless the USA” chord in my heart like nothing else. 

Men who are participating must lean into how silly it seems. You must own it with pure confidence and pride, just as you would own seeing “Top Gun: Maverick” in theaters or saving money at Walmart or eating a foot-long hotdog with ketchup. The rest of the world may judge, but boy are we having fun.

I stand by this statement, even as the Founding Fathers roll in their graves at the thought of the commuter men’s dance. 

As for tug of war, if you don’t already know how to win, you may be beyond my help.

Thursday: Powderpuff

This will be my first year of suiting up for powderpuff, but I feel like I’ve learned plenty during my time on the sideline. To put it simply: Powderpuff is not for those wishing to make friends.

When my friends tell me about the game, it vaguely sounds like they are describing the plot of an Avengers movie. People getting thrashed to the ground. Impossibly hard scratches and punches. A fight for honor, peace and justice. Something about Thanos. 

Months after people stopped caring who won homecoming, I had friends still remember the face of the Heritage girl who pushed them in a play during the third quarter. Or how that one boy from the football team made a horrible call while reffing the championship game. 

Basically, all who participate must put aside any hope for camaraderie between teams or friendships being made. 

A final farewell

I do think homecoming is one of the highlights of the academic year, so, in a way, just by participating you’ve already won. Everyone’s a winner. We’re all Blake Birno, running unopposed. 

Come the Friday banquet, Arden Village will destroy every other dorm, and we will rightfully take home that trophy. Regardless of my bias, may the odds be ever in your favor.