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Columnist: Samuel Krueger

A paradox of justice

How do we respect victims while protecting the rights of the accused? Sam Krueger explores due process, the Kavanaugh hearings and its implications. While #MeToo has done a tremendous job creating an environment where women feel more comfortable to come forward about sexual assault, we have begun to dismantle the processes that makes our justice system, well, just. I think that this is leading our country towards unsustainable applications of justice. I want to make it absolutely clear that this article is not anti-victim. Quite the contrary. I fully acknowledge the difficulty of dealing with often unprovable crimes and that our current system is not well-equipped to help victims. I do not claim to know the answer. Rather, I want to point out an issue that I believe affects all aspects of our justice system. This problem supersedes political ideology, and it is in our collective interest to try and… Keep Reading

Clarionion

By Samuel Krueger History department launches groundbreaking STEM curriculum One of Bethel’s core beliefs is that students graduate into society as ‘world changers’. This sentiment is shown through our world class faculty and facilities, but it is now become apparent through Bethel’s groundbreaking history STEM lab. With an intense passion to bring science, technology, engineering and math to the humanities, a generous donor provided specifically allocated funds for the project. It will include an alchemy lab, bloodletting studio, and a workshop devoted to time traveling technology. Bethel reveals new sax-a-boom line Part of Bethel’s new long term strategy, hereafter referred to as LTS, the music department has invested in a number of Kawasaki Sax-a-booms. Popular in the 90’s, this now rare device has become the favored instrument of the highly competitive pep band scene. In an attempt to corner the newly emerging alternative music segment of competitive bands, Bethel is… Keep Reading

From the ClariOnion Editorial Board (Sam Krueger)

Our Official Response to Bethel’s Budgetary Shortcomings By Sam Krueger The editorial board recommends that all unnecessary furniture be disassembled and used for kindling in the furnaces. Heating can be expensive in Minnesota. In order to pay for the planned 70-foot bust of President Jay Barnes, we would also recommend that the campus be stripped of all salable granite in order to cut the deficit as much as possible. In order to prevent any further layoffs, three professors will be assigned to each classroom to teach their respective classes simultaneously. This will allow students to graduate 3 times as fast, opening up new spaces for potential students. This will also allow the administration to rent out two-thirds of all classroom space to another university, probably one that’s better with money. Bethel should immediately embark on an aggressive public ad campaign and volunteer to host the 2022 winter Olympics. All remaining… Keep Reading

Columnist: Samuel Krueger/Opinion

Clarionion

By Sam Krueger Bethel’s Chief Budgetary Officer Admits Plan is to Just Wait Until Jesus Comes Back Gary Stevenson, Bethel’s long time financial strategist just recently returned from a 3 year vacation to the Cayman Islands. When questioned about the precarious financial situation Bethel is in, he looked surprised. Part of a church with an obscure eschatological interpretation of the Bible, Stevenson admitted that he just figured God would deal with it when he came back. In other news, he has organized a prayer vigil to pray for the financially devastated families and soon to be directionless faculty that he plans to lay off this year. Bethel Remembers Squeakers This last Monday a moment of silence was observed during chapel for the resident squirrel that was run over in front of Wessman Hall. Squeakers was a loving husband, friend, and father of 29. A memorial service will be held next… Keep Reading

Columnist: Samuel Krueger

My take on Kaepernick’s protest

By Sam Krueger There is a massive disconnect between the American public about what Colin Kaepernick’s protest means. Let me get two things out of the way. First, Kaepernick absolutely has a right to express himself the way he has. Few people disagree about this. Second, he has accomplished his goal, as long as his goal was to do everything but draw sympathy towards his cause. A Reuters poll taken months after the start of the protest shows that 72 percent of Americans think that his method of protest is unpatriotic while 61 percent said they do not agree with his movement. In addition, support for the Black Lives Matter movement, an organization that aligns with his views, has actually decreased in the year following his first protest. Surveys show that almost 60 percent of Americans now view the movement unfavorably. Multiple polls conducted and analyzed by Fivethirtyeight in 2017… Keep Reading

Columnist: Samuel Krueger

Clarionion

By: Sam Krueger Sodexo Bob reopens cold case of Missing Omelet bar chefs Under increasing pressure from the student body, Sodexo Bob has recently decided to re-open the months closed investigation into Bethel’s missing omelet cooks. When asked, Senior Andrew Mattern said “I still can’t believe they’re gone… Sometimes you really don’t appreciate what you have until you don’t have it anymore”. Student Senate Grants President Barnes declaration of war In an unprecedented move, President Jay Barnes appeared before the student senate and urged them to declare war against long time rival, University of Northwestern-St. Paul. Theological differences are the alleged reason for the conflict, but many are speculating that it has to do with UNW’s sponsorship of Take Back Bethel, a group some faculty believe to be sowing discontent among alumni. Woman Accidently Graduates from Bethel Seminary Kelly Anenson of Maplewood accidentally wandered into a seminary classroom 4 years… Keep Reading

Columnist: Samuel Krueger

The Freshman Survival Guide

By: Sam Krueger Top 7 Things Every Freshman Needs No. 3 Lead Pencil This may seem like a no brainer, but not only are these good to write with, they can be stuck in the ear canal, eraser first, as a way to block out your upstair neighbors’ 4 a.m. band practice. A portable cellphone charger This is useful for the required freshman intro courses that you will inevitably spend 100% of on your phone. A parakeet Commonly used by 19th century miners to test air toxicity, the parakeet has become an essential safety device for any dorm that contains more than one college level athlete. A guitar For 4 a.m. band practice. 60 dollars cash Even though your friend Chad says that cryptocurrency is the way of the future, having physical cash at your disposal never hurt anyone. Your wits Important, but commonly left at home, your wits will… Keep Reading

Clarionion

The following is an opinion piece and does not necessarily reflect the views of The Clarion, its staff or the institution. If you would like to submit a response or an opinion piece of your own, please contact clarion@bethel.edu. Keep Reading

Welcoming the outsider

The following is an opinion piece and does not necessarily reflect the views of The Clarion, its staff or the institution. If you would like to submit a response or an opinion piece of your own, please contact clarion@bethel.edu. By Samuel Krueger Many of you know me as the Clarion’s token conservative writer. One of the hardest parts of being a conservative is our disposition for how things are. As a middle class American, I inarguably live in the best of all possible worlds. Why change it? I am not saying that the system isn’t unfair sometimes. I am also not saying that America is perfect – far from it, actually. However, I do think that change should be approached cautiously, conservatively. That is, I suppose, what makes me a conservative. I am not opposed to change. Change can be good, but I find it wise to err on the… Keep Reading

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