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Clarionion

By Samuel Krueger History department launches groundbreaking STEM curriculum One of Bethel’s core beliefs is that students graduate into society as ‘world changers’. This sentiment is shown through our world class faculty and facilities, but it is now become apparent through Bethel’s groundbreaking history STEM lab. With an intense passion to bring science, technology, engineering and math to the humanities, a generous donor provided specifically allocated funds for the project. It will include an alchemy lab, bloodletting studio, and a workshop devoted to time traveling technology. Bethel reveals new sax-a-boom line Part of Bethel’s new long term strategy, hereafter referred to as LTS, the music department has invested in a number of Kawasaki Sax-a-booms. Popular in the 90’s, this now rare device has become the favored instrument of the highly competitive pep band scene. In an attempt to corner the newly emerging alternative music segment of competitive bands, Bethel is… Keep Reading

From the ClariOnion Editorial Board (Sam Krueger)

Our Official Response to Bethel’s Budgetary Shortcomings By Sam Krueger The editorial board recommends that all unnecessary furniture be disassembled and used for kindling in the furnaces. Heating can be expensive in Minnesota. In order to pay for the planned 70-foot bust of President Jay Barnes, we would also recommend that the campus be stripped of all salable granite in order to cut the deficit as much as possible. In order to prevent any further layoffs, three professors will be assigned to each classroom to teach their respective classes simultaneously. This will allow students to graduate 3 times as fast, opening up new spaces for potential students. This will also allow the administration to rent out two-thirds of all classroom space to another university, probably one that’s better with money. Bethel should immediately embark on an aggressive public ad campaign and volunteer to host the 2022 winter Olympics. All remaining… Keep Reading

Journalism in a Christian community

I’ve had many students confront me with views that seem to reflect a general misunderstanding of what The Clarion’s role is at Bethel University. Here’s a clarification. By Maddie DeBilzan I love Bethel University. I wear blue and gold to every Saturday afternoon football game. I love walking through the halls to see strangers holding doors for strangers. I love that I can leave my backpack outside of the Dining Center. I love saying “Hi” to people I barely know, and I love having roommates and classmates who push me to be better. I also love being a journalist. I love asking questions and having a professional reason to be curious. I love the adrenaline rush of having to submit a story six minutes after the football game ends. And I love piecing all my chicken-scratch notes together until a story is formed – one that’s honest, raw, and true.… Keep Reading

Columnist: Samuel Krueger/Opinion

Clarionion

By Sam Krueger Bethel’s Chief Budgetary Officer Admits Plan is to Just Wait Until Jesus Comes Back Gary Stevenson, Bethel’s long time financial strategist just recently returned from a 3 year vacation to the Cayman Islands. When questioned about the precarious financial situation Bethel is in, he looked surprised. Part of a church with an obscure eschatological interpretation of the Bible, Stevenson admitted that he just figured God would deal with it when he came back. In other news, he has organized a prayer vigil to pray for the financially devastated families and soon to be directionless faculty that he plans to lay off this year. Bethel Remembers Squeakers This last Monday a moment of silence was observed during chapel for the resident squirrel that was run over in front of Wessman Hall. Squeakers was a loving husband, friend, and father of 29. A memorial service will be held next… Keep Reading

Columnist: Samuel Krueger

My take on Kaepernick’s protest

By Sam Krueger There is a massive disconnect between the American public about what Colin Kaepernick’s protest means. Let me get two things out of the way. First, Kaepernick absolutely has a right to express himself the way he has. Few people disagree about this. Second, he has accomplished his goal, as long as his goal was to do everything but draw sympathy towards his cause. A Reuters poll taken months after the start of the protest shows that 72 percent of Americans think that his method of protest is unpatriotic while 61 percent said they do not agree with his movement. In addition, support for the Black Lives Matter movement, an organization that aligns with his views, has actually decreased in the year following his first protest. Surveys show that almost 60 percent of Americans now view the movement unfavorably. Multiple polls conducted and analyzed by Fivethirtyeight in 2017… Keep Reading

Opinion

Introverts face welcome week

By: Emily Jan and Jasmine Johnson As our van pulled up to the curb, the Welcome Week crew cheered at the top of their lungs. I (Emily) was rushed into Bodien as the people around me screamed my room number while bringing all my beloved belongings to my new room. The experience was much more enthusiastic, loud and overwhelming than I had expected. Although Welcome Week was fun for me, it was also hard because I am half extroverted and half introverted. No matter how much energy and enthusiasm returning students and faculty exhibit during Welcome Week, the response to the excitement is not always mutual. With the crammed schedules and nonstop social interaction, these first few days can be very overwhelming for anyone looking to take in their new surroundings slowly. When arriving at the dorms for the first time, swarms of people move every belonging from the family… Keep Reading

Columnist: Samuel Krueger

Clarionion

By: Sam Krueger Sodexo Bob reopens cold case of Missing Omelet bar chefs Under increasing pressure from the student body, Sodexo Bob has recently decided to re-open the months closed investigation into Bethel’s missing omelet cooks. When asked, Senior Andrew Mattern said “I still can’t believe they’re gone… Sometimes you really don’t appreciate what you have until you don’t have it anymore”. Student Senate Grants President Barnes declaration of war In an unprecedented move, President Jay Barnes appeared before the student senate and urged them to declare war against long time rival, University of Northwestern-St. Paul. Theological differences are the alleged reason for the conflict, but many are speculating that it has to do with UNW’s sponsorship of Take Back Bethel, a group some faculty believe to be sowing discontent among alumni. Woman Accidently Graduates from Bethel Seminary Kelly Anenson of Maplewood accidentally wandered into a seminary classroom 4 years… Keep Reading

Columnist: Samuel Krueger

The Freshman Survival Guide

By: Sam Krueger Top 7 Things Every Freshman Needs No. 3 Lead Pencil This may seem like a no brainer, but not only are these good to write with, they can be stuck in the ear canal, eraser first, as a way to block out your upstair neighbors’ 4 a.m. band practice. A portable cellphone charger This is useful for the required freshman intro courses that you will inevitably spend 100% of on your phone. A parakeet Commonly used by 19th century miners to test air toxicity, the parakeet has become an essential safety device for any dorm that contains more than one college level athlete. A guitar For 4 a.m. band practice. 60 dollars cash Even though your friend Chad says that cryptocurrency is the way of the future, having physical cash at your disposal never hurt anyone. Your wits Important, but commonly left at home, your wits will… Keep Reading

Opinion

Opinion: introverts face welcome week

By: Emily Jan and Jasmine Johnson As our van pulled up to the curb, the Welcome Week crew cheered at the top of their lungs. I (Emily) was rushed into Bodien as the people around me screamed my room number while bringing all my beloved belongings to my new room. The experience was much more enthusiastic, loud, and overwhelming than I had expected. Although Welcome Week was fun for me, it was also hard because I am half extroverted and half introverted. No matter how much energy and enthusiasm returning students and faculty exhibit during Welcome Week, the response to the excitement is not always mutual. With the crammed schedules and nonstop social interaction, these first few days can be very overwhelming for anyone looking to take in their new surroundings slowly. When arriving at the dorms for the first time, swarms of people move every belonging from the family… Keep Reading

Opinion

Nothing good happens after midnight

Giving meaning to recycled advice. By: Jamie Hudalla  | Freelancer Here I am: a worldly, wisdom-laden senior writing to you so that you can successfully soak up your college experience. If you thought getting through that first sentence was hard, good luck with the next four years. If sarcasm daunts you, good luck with the remainder of this column. Though I would score low on the sentimental scale, I’ve reflected on the last three years and wondered how they slipped by without my appreciation. I’m going to unpack the things you should pay attention to, so you don’t have to write a column senior year about how you wished you learned them sooner.   If you’re a freshman, prepare to understand one-third of this. If you’re a senior, put on your rose-colored glasses and reminisce with me. If you’re anything in between, you’re metaphorically the middle child and don’t matter.… Keep Reading

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