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Opinion - page 2


Advice from the Maddies

We asked Bethel students to submit questions this month about relationships. Maddie DeBilzan, our editor-in-chief, and Maddie Christy, our managing editor, have answered them with class, wisdom and a little bit of sass. Neither of them have degrees or experience in psychology, but they like to pretend. How many close friends is too many close friends? Maddie C: I have always heard you can only really have deep relationships with five to seven people. It’s not realistic to be deep friends with 25 people! But my friends and I often talk about how hard this is, especially in a community like Bethel. We all know so many people, and say “Hi” to 12 people when we walk down the hall. Is it possible to stop and ask all those people how they are really doing? No! We need to learn it’s OK to have concentric circles of friends. We can… Keep Reading


Finding a voice

A survivor’s response to the Kavanaugh nomination. By Diana Clark I don’t remember any time before the first moments he felt entitled to my body. I don’t remember many moments after. New research has shown amnesia may happen at age 7. I was 8. I didn’t even know what sex was, before I was forced to do something that erased every innocent bone in my body. For years after, my mind felt like swiss cheese that provided me with many holes any time I tried to work through what had happened to me. While I cannot recall every moment of the four years I endured this trauma, I remember exactly how it started. I have never shared the details about how it first began with anyone before, not even when I shared the information with my parents years later. Truth or Dare. Outside on the self-constructed slip and side. Just… Keep Reading



By Sam Krueger Faculty Cuts Felt Throughout Campus In recent days there has been an outcry of support for the departments damaged or cut by the faculty reductions. Some say that the cuts unevenly impact the liberal arts as opposed to more mainstream majors such as biology or business. Business department chair Tina Crosby pushed back reminding critics that just recently they were forced to layoff the faculty in charge of the classes that talk about carrying a briefcase, folding a pantsuit or how to perfectly mix a gin martini while wearing a hat. Royals Volleyball Sees Drop In Attendance In the last 2 years trends have shown a steady decline in attendance to Bethel’s volleyball games. In fact, last weeks victory against Hamline University saw a royal turnout of 0. Research suggests the drop in attendance is directly correlated to the absurd amount of wins that the volleyball team… Keep Reading


By Samuel Krueger History department launches groundbreaking STEM curriculum One of Bethel’s core beliefs is that students graduate into society as ‘world changers’. This sentiment is shown through our world class faculty and facilities, but it is now become apparent through Bethel’s groundbreaking history STEM lab. With an intense passion to bring science, technology, engineering and math to the humanities, a generous donor provided specifically allocated funds for the project. It will include an alchemy lab, bloodletting studio, and a workshop devoted to time traveling technology. Bethel reveals new sax-a-boom line Part of Bethel’s new long term strategy, hereafter referred to as LTS, the music department has invested in a number of Kawasaki Sax-a-booms. Popular in the 90’s, this now rare device has become the favored instrument of the highly competitive pep band scene. In an attempt to corner the newly emerging alternative music segment of competitive bands, Bethel is… Keep Reading

From the ClariOnion Editorial Board (Sam Krueger)

Our Official Response to Bethel’s Budgetary Shortcomings By Sam Krueger The editorial board recommends that all unnecessary furniture be disassembled and used for kindling in the furnaces. Heating can be expensive in Minnesota. In order to pay for the planned 70-foot bust of President Jay Barnes, we would also recommend that the campus be stripped of all salable granite in order to cut the deficit as much as possible. In order to prevent any further layoffs, three professors will be assigned to each classroom to teach their respective classes simultaneously. This will allow students to graduate 3 times as fast, opening up new spaces for potential students. This will also allow the administration to rent out two-thirds of all classroom space to another university, probably one that’s better with money. Bethel should immediately embark on an aggressive public ad campaign and volunteer to host the 2022 winter Olympics. All remaining… Keep Reading

Journalism in a Christian community

I’ve had many students confront me with views that seem to reflect a general misunderstanding of what The Clarion’s role is at Bethel University. Here’s a clarification. By Maddie DeBilzan I love Bethel University. I wear blue and gold to every Saturday afternoon football game. I love walking through the halls to see strangers holding doors for strangers. I love that I can leave my backpack outside of the Dining Center. I love saying “Hi” to people I barely know, and I love having roommates and classmates who push me to be better. I also love being a journalist. I love asking questions and having a professional reason to be curious. I love the adrenaline rush of having to submit a story six minutes after the football game ends. And I love piecing all my chicken-scratch notes together until a story is formed – one that’s honest, raw, and true.… Keep Reading

Columnist: Samuel Krueger/Opinion


By Sam Krueger Bethel’s Chief Budgetary Officer Admits Plan is to Just Wait Until Jesus Comes Back Gary Stevenson, Bethel’s long time financial strategist just recently returned from a 3 year vacation to the Cayman Islands. When questioned about the precarious financial situation Bethel is in, he looked surprised. Part of a church with an obscure eschatological interpretation of the Bible, Stevenson admitted that he just figured God would deal with it when he came back. In other news, he has organized a prayer vigil to pray for the financially devastated families and soon to be directionless faculty that he plans to lay off this year. Bethel Remembers Squeakers This last Monday a moment of silence was observed during chapel for the resident squirrel that was run over in front of Wessman Hall. Squeakers was a loving husband, friend, and father of 29. A memorial service will be held next… Keep Reading

Columnist: Samuel Krueger

My take on Kaepernick’s protest

By Sam Krueger There is a massive disconnect between the American public about what Colin Kaepernick’s protest means. Let me get two things out of the way. First, Kaepernick absolutely has a right to express himself the way he has. Few people disagree about this. Second, he has accomplished his goal, as long as his goal was to do everything but draw sympathy towards his cause. A Reuters poll taken months after the start of the protest shows that 72 percent of Americans think that his method of protest is unpatriotic while 61 percent said they do not agree with his movement. In addition, support for the Black Lives Matter movement, an organization that aligns with his views, has actually decreased in the year following his first protest. Surveys show that almost 60 percent of Americans now view the movement unfavorably. Multiple polls conducted and analyzed by Fivethirtyeight in 2017… Keep Reading


Introverts face welcome week

By: Emily Jan and Jasmine Johnson As our van pulled up to the curb, the Welcome Week crew cheered at the top of their lungs. I (Emily) was rushed into Bodien as the people around me screamed my room number while bringing all my beloved belongings to my new room. The experience was much more enthusiastic, loud and overwhelming than I had expected. Although Welcome Week was fun for me, it was also hard because I am half extroverted and half introverted. No matter how much energy and enthusiasm returning students and faculty exhibit during Welcome Week, the response to the excitement is not always mutual. With the crammed schedules and nonstop social interaction, these first few days can be very overwhelming for anyone looking to take in their new surroundings slowly. When arriving at the dorms for the first time, swarms of people move every belonging from the family… Keep Reading

Columnist: Samuel Krueger


By: Sam Krueger Sodexo Bob reopens cold case of Missing Omelet bar chefs Under increasing pressure from the student body, Sodexo Bob has recently decided to re-open the months closed investigation into Bethel’s missing omelet cooks. When asked, Senior Andrew Mattern said “I still can’t believe they’re gone… Sometimes you really don’t appreciate what you have until you don’t have it anymore”. Student Senate Grants President Barnes declaration of war In an unprecedented move, President Jay Barnes appeared before the student senate and urged them to declare war against long time rival, University of Northwestern-St. Paul. Theological differences are the alleged reason for the conflict, but many are speculating that it has to do with UNW’s sponsorship of Take Back Bethel, a group some faculty believe to be sowing discontent among alumni. Woman Accidently Graduates from Bethel Seminary Kelly Anenson of Maplewood accidentally wandered into a seminary classroom 4 years… Keep Reading

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