News Opinion

Clarionion

By Sam Krueger

Faculty Cuts Felt Throughout Campus

In recent days there has been an outcry of support for the departments damaged or cut by the faculty reductions. Some say that the cuts unevenly impact the liberal arts as opposed to more mainstream majors such as biology or business. Business department chair Tina Crosby pushed back reminding critics that just recently they were forced to layoff the faculty in charge of the classes that talk about carrying a briefcase, folding a pantsuit or how to perfectly mix a gin martini while wearing a hat.

Royals Volleyball Sees Drop In Attendance

In the last 2 years trends have shown a steady decline in attendance to Bethel’s volleyball games. In fact, last weeks victory against Hamline University saw a royal turnout of 0. Research suggests the drop in attendance is directly correlated to the absurd amount of wins that the volleyball team produces year after year. When asked why he stopped attending volleyball games, senior Thomas Berglund said, “I don’t even bother going anymore. I just assume that we’re gonna win and go do something less exciting with my Friday night”.

Sodexo Now Serving Middle Eastern Food

In an attempt to remain at the forefront of Bethel’s cultural revolution, Sodexo has begun offering Lebanese, Syrian, and Turkish food in the dining center. The traditional salad bar has been replaced with a gyro salad confectionary station and features several exotic variations of tzatziki sauce. When asked where he would get all the goat meat required to produce such vast amounts of Middle Eastern delicacies, local celebrity Sodexo Bob remarked “We’ll figure it out”.

Bethel’s Long Term Plan Revised

In the wake of the massive budget cuts and round of layoffs Bethel has announced the creation of the new gender studies major and a cut of the planned mechanical engineering major. Gender studies, which is housed in its own department, was given a blank check in its formulation. Deborah Stills, the department chair, seemed unsure of what her major was actually supposed to do, but our reporters were assured by President Barnes that it would create a sizeable cash influx to the university.

Crimewatch Notifications

Several of Bethel’s goats vanished without a trace last weekend. Campus Security officer Jim Nash says the investigation is ongoing.

The AC building was vandalized with graffiti last weekend. The graffiti included several denominational slurs such as “Anglicanism is just Catholic lite” and “Calvinism is just Communism with God.” Security manager Gabe Young suspects street youths from the local catholic parish are to blame.

Increased parking enforcement nets 100 billion dollar boone yet fails to yield sufficient parking spaces for students.

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